How I Survived My Negative IVF Cycle

“When you cannot change a situation, you are challenged to change yourself.”

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash

We were the best possible candidates for IVF. My spouse and I were in great health, we had health insurance coverage, and flexible work from home schedules when we started the process in October of 2022.

By December 2022, we learned that there were biological factors outside of our control and were given a 30% one-shot-only chance of success.

We adjusted our diets, our workouts, and built our days prioritizing our physical and mental health.

We created a sturdy foundation on which we could build the space needed to welcome a new change into our lives.

On May 13th, 2024, the day after Mother’s Day, we got a negative result.

Here’s how we’ve survived the blow (so far):

1. Our routine is our rock. We had been cultivating our routine for years, only keeping what worked to help our physical and mental health. By the time I was on hormones, our systems was so rock solid that not even the most insane mood swings or cravings could be given in to. When we got the negative result, we leaned in harder. Our routine became our life line. The pain of not doing our routine was worse then the emotional pain we were going through. The routine got us moving. The routine keeps us going.
2. We have a plan. We had a plan for a yes, and we had a plan for a no; even though we definitely paid more attention to one then the other (as you do when you have hope). After we got the “no”, and went through the inevitable “what next?”, we knew what to do: stick with the plan… and not think too hard on it yet.
3. We focused on what we gained rather then what we lost. It’s easy to focus on what was lost. It’s easy to imagine what might have been. It’s much harder to stay focused on what is possible NOW; to imagine a new future given new information. And, no one talks about this, but it is both terrifying and exhilarating to realize that you no longer have any constraints or excuses not to do exactly what you want to do for the rest of your life. Then you feel guilty for finding a silver lining.
4. We TREASURED that silver lining when we felt it.

In America, we are encouraged to be ashamed of our failures and to glorify our wins.

Fuck that nonsense.

We took a chance, did our best, and still failed.

There is never shame in trying your best, so we refuse to look at this time in a negative light.

All we have to show from the experience is the experience.

It was gut wrenching when we got the news, and it still hurts a week later. But if by sharing any piece of what we’ve learned can help someone else suffering out there, let them know that they are not alone in feeling utterly lost, and provide them with some guidance on “what’s next?”… then that’s a win.